This is Part 14.
Other recent stories in the "Queer Theories" series.
Go back to "Nowhere Man -- Part 13.
Features Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: Brian meets someone under a streetlight on Liberty Avenue. September 2000.
Disclaimer: This is for fun, not profit. Watch Queer As Folk on Showtime, buy the DVDs, videos, and CDs. Read the stories and enjoy.
Wednesday, September 6, 2000, continued:
When Brian walked away from Babylon, it was approaching midnight and he was almost ready to run.
The evening, like that day at the medical center, had been a disaster from the start. Brian's instinct had been NOT to give in to his old friend and try and 'fit in' with a bunch of people with whom he had nothing in common, in a club he never should have been inside in the first place! But Brian didn't listen to his common sense, no!
What an idiot he was! Ron was right -- he wasn't even capable of making his own decisions or handling himself when things went wrong. Brian felt dirty and abused -- the feel of all those strange men touching him reminded him too much of a time in his life he'd rather forget. A time when he was too vulnerable and too damaged to help himself. A time when Ron had helped him. Saved him. And THIS is what ended up happening!
The only thing to do was to drive the Volvo back to the motel and call Ron. Tell him that he was coming back as soon as possible. Admit that he needed Ron to guide him, to be with him, obviously a lot more than Ron needed -- or wanted -- him. But Brian would have to live with that knowledge. He'd make himself live with it.
Brian paused for a moment on Liberty Avenue, trying to remember where he'd left the car. His head was still spinning from whatever those guys had shoved at him in the backroom at Babylon -- the poppers, yes. And the smoke and noise and confusion of the whole place was something that he was still trying to get out of his head.
And that's when he saw the boy.
He was leaning against a streetlight, his blond head back and his eyes half closed, as if he was in distress. Then he lifted his head up and stretched his neck, the glow from the light haloing around him. It was a posture Brian remembered well and, for a moment, he thought the kid was hustling. But then the boy opened his eyes and looked straight at Brian.
They both started, as if a lightning bolt had hit them both simultaneously. As if in recognition.
Brian walked over immediately. "What do you think you're doing here?" he asked.
The boy met his gaze directly. "Checking out some of the bars. Boytoy. Meathook."
"Meathook?" Brian said. "What's THAT?" It sounded like something dangerous to Brian, and this boy looked like innocence personified, his blue eyes wide as he stared at Brian intently.
The boy smiled, a little embarrassed. "I don't know. I didn't really go there. Some guy told me the names and I thought I'd sound cool if I said I was there." He glanced down, shyly. "They wouldn't let me into any of those places, anyway, with my crummy fake I.D."
Brian gaped at him. "Isn't this a school night?"
The boy only shrugged. He looked about fourteen years old and was wearing a light jacket, a plaid shirt over a white tee, and cargo pants. And sneakers -- Brian couldn't get over that. The sneakers. He was just a kid! What was he DOING here?
Brian glanced around the dark street, the men cruising up and down -- and this boy in the middle of it. He knew he didn't belong here. Sensed that he shouldn't be here, that it was wrong and dangerous. "Do your parents know you're here? Don't you have a curfew?"
"I told them I was at a friend's house -- for the night," he answered. "But I came here instead. It's my first time."
Brian smiled, in spite of himself. "Mine, too. Sort of."
The boy reached out and touched Brian's bare arm. Brian had his jacket draped over his shoulders, but he'd forgotten that his sleeves were still rolled up almost to the armholes. That damn Emmett. "Can I go with you?"
"What?" said Brian, confused. "With me? Go where?"
"Wherever you're going. Wherever you want to go. I want to go too." The boy moved right up to Brian and looked up into his face. His gaze was so intense it gave Brian goosebumps. It was as if the boy was searching for something in Brian's eyes.
"But... you don't even know me!"
"I've been waiting here for YOU," insisted the boy. "I know I have. A couple of guys stopped and tried to get me to go with them, but I knew they weren't right. They weren't the ones I was meant to be with. Just like I know YOU are!"
Brian stared at the kid. He was suddenly very afraid for him. How long had he been standing here, gawked at by God knows how many seedy characters? Anything could have happened to him! Anyone might have come along and forced him into a car or an alley! Brian remembered that feeling all too well. And he didn't want that to happen to this boy.
"Do you know how CRAZY that is?" Brian wanted to shake some sense into the kid. "And dangerous? You don't know what kind of people might be wandering around here!"
"But it's all right now -- because you're here, I know it is. So, take me with you. I'm ready to go." The boy began stroking Brian's bare forearm with his soft right hand and a charge went through Brian like a surge of pure electricity.
Brian stared down at the boy's hand against his arm. He took hold of it. "I'm not going anywhere special."
The boy gazed at him with large, sky blue eyes. "I can change that."
"What... what do you mean?" Brian didn't know how to react to this kid. He was drawn to him, somehow, and wanted to make certain that he was safe. Suddenly the entire world seemed perilous and threatening -- except in this little circle of light under the streetlamp.
"I can change that," the boy repeated.
"I'll take you HOME. Right now!" Brian replied.
A dark-haired man passed close to the two, looking the boy up and down, appraisingly. Brian moved between them, flashing the other man a warning glance. The guy shrugged and walked on. Brian put his arm around the boy, shielding him. He had to get him the hell out of here!
"What's your name?" Brian asked as he guided the boy across Liberty Avenue. He suddenly remembered where he'd parked the Volvo.
"Justin. What's yours?"
"Brian." He opened the door on the passenger side and the boy -- Justin -- climbed in. He smiled, a wide, remarkable smile, as if he were getting a present. Brian sighed. This kid obviously had no idea how much trouble he could have gotten into standing out on Liberty Avenue in the middle of the night!
Brian got in on the driver's side. "Now, Justin -- exactly where do you live?"
But instead of answering, the boy launched himself at Brian, kissing him aggressively, passionately, his hands exploring Brian's arms, then pulling at the buttons of his Van Huesen shirt and reaching in to feel his chest. And, before he could stop himself, Brian was kissing him back, tentatively at first, but then frantically. They were all over each other, pushing against each other, as if attempting to merge the two selves into one.
"Wait!" Brian gasped, seizing the boy by the shoulders and holding him still. "Stop that! I fucking MEAN it."
"But why?" Those blue eyes bored into Brian's hazel ones.
"Because I'm going to take you HOME, that's why. Jesus! What is the matter with you?"
"I'm just trying to get laid, like everyone else down here," he said, pouting. "I've been trying to work up my courage to come here all summer! And now that I'm here with you... well, don't you like me, Brian?"
Brian put his hand to his forehead. "Yes, I like you!" And when he said it, Brian realized that he was telling the truth. He DID like him. A lot. "But don't you see that this is WRONG? What are you? Fifteen? Sixteen?"
Brian tossed his head. "Twenty? I don't believe it. What year were you born?" Justin hesitated. "See? You have to think about it! How old are you really?"
"Nineteen?" Brian shook his head. "Eighteen?"
Justin sighed. "Seventeen. Really."
Something fluttered inside Brian's stomach. This whole thing was hitting a little too close to home for Brian's comfort. Seventeen! Jesus! "That's too young! You can't come down here and pick up guys! It's dangerous! And I ought to know."
"Why?" asked the boy. "Did... did something happen to you down here?"
Brian swallowed. "A long time ago. I was only sixteen."
"What happened to you? You can tell me."
Brian looked at the kid's innocent face. How could he explain to this kid about his father's beatings? Or his escape into something even worse? And how all Brian's difficulties seemed to begin when the dealer, Mole, found him passed out in the snow in an alley just off Liberty Avenue.
"Never mind. But it wasn't nice. Not nice at all. And I'd hate to see the same thing happen to you! Or anything at all happen to you." Almost unconsciously he reached out and touched Justin's pale cheek. "This is no place for you. It's no place for me, either, if you want to know the truth."
"You think I'm too young? How old were YOU when you first did it?"
Brian hesitated. He wasn't certain that he wanted to relate any of his own sordid past. But something about this boy's face made him want to tell him the truth. Tell him all kinds of things. "Fourteen."
Justin's eyes opened even wider. "That's really young! Who with? Someone really great?"
"My gym teacher," said Brian, without thinking. "I walked into the locker room, looking for something I'd forgotten, and saw him there, in the shower. He was all naked, soaping himself. I... couldn't stop staring at him. I walked right into the shower with all my clothes on and sucked him off right there."
"Weren't you scared?" Justin's eyes were wide.
"I guess we're all a little scared the first time." Brian said, gazing into space. Yes, that wasn't so bad, but it was the times after that which really should have warned Brian to be scared. To be fucking terrified!
Brian looked around, coming back to the present. "I can't believe I'm telling you this story! THAT has nothing to do with YOU! It was wrong then... and this is wrong now! So wrong! You're too young -- and I was definitely too young. But it was too late to turn back after that. Too late." Brian blinked a few times, trying to shake off his feeling of unease. "Too young," he repeated.
"Can't you just take me to your place, Brian?" Justin said, quietly. "You... you can drive me to school in the morning. My parents aren't expecting me anyway! If I come home tonight they might suspect that something is wrong. They might find out where I went... and... and then...."
"Do they have any idea that you're gay?"
Justin shook his head. "My dad would KILL me!"
That jolted Brian. A dad's anger. That was something Brian could relate to all too well. And he wanted to protect Justin from his father's anger. The way he wished someone had protected him from Jack. "Maybe I could take you to your friend's house? The one you said you were staying at?"
But the boy shook his head again. "She's covering for me, but I can't just show up now. It's way too late!"
Brian rubbed his eyes. "See, Justin, I'm visiting my parents and I'm checked into a motel. I don't live here and I don't have a place for you to stay."
"I could just stay there. At the motel. I won't bother you. I promise. And you could drive me to school tomorrow." Justin looked over at Brian, begging with his blue eyes. "If you leave me here I'll only walk around on the street some more. I don't have anywhere else to go."
Brian sighed and turned on the ignition. There was no way in hell that he would even think of leaving Justin on Liberty Avenue by himself! The kid was totally innocent! And if what had happened to Brian tonight was any indication of what was waiting for the boy if he continued to hang around outside of Babylon -- well, Brian couldn't let himself to responsible for that! No way!
The Volvo sputtered a little as it turned over. Brian could only plead temporary insanity, he told himself as he shifted into gear and drove away from Liberty Avenue. Yes, temporary fucking insanity!
He glanced over at Justin. The boy was watching him and smiling. This was probably the biggest mistake Brian had ever made in his life! So why was he doing it? Why was he giving in to this kid? It was almost as if he was being compelled. That he couldn't say no, no matter how much he knew that this was completely nuts! It was almost as if he was meant to walk out of Babylon, at precisely that moment, and find Justin standing there, in precisely that spot.
The motel was only a few minutes away from Liberty Avenue, but Brian drove slowly, trying to think. What was he going to do with this kid once he got him there? Convince him to call his parents? Let him sleep in the other bed? Or... Jeez! Brian couldn't let himself think about the other possibilities. Yet, he kept looking over at the boy -- at Justin -- who was staring back at Brian, expectantly.
Brian pulled up to the motel and got out of the Volvo. Justin jumped out and followed him to the door. Brian's eyes kept darting around, like he was doing something wrong! And wasn't he, he told himself? But.... he opened the door and the kid trotted inside ahead of him.
The bed where Brian had been sleeping was messed up from when he'd tried to lie down earlier. The other bed was crowded with his suitcase, his laptop, a pair of pants, a discarded copy of the 'New York Times,' and Brian's briefcase. Justin made himself at home immediately, stripping off his jacket and tossing it on the chair. Then he flopped down on the empty bed and searched around for the television remote. He grabbed it and turned on the TV, flipping through the channels.
"Would you like to call your parents?" Brian asked, hoping the kid would decide to go home. He tossed his corduroy jacket on a chair, on top of Justin's.
"And have them pick me up at a motel downtown?" Justin cocked his head. "Uh huh! That would be a good idea! Really good!" The boy laughed, as if Brian's suggestion was so funny. "Besides, I want to be here with you."
Brian sighed again. "Well, let me clear some space here," said Brian, moving his stuff off the other bed. He put the suitcase on the luggage holder and the laptop on the desk. Then he hung up the pants and set his briefcase on the floor. "There should be plenty of room."
Justin clicked off the television and set down the remote. "Brian? Can I use the bathroom?"
"Of course. Go ahead. Sure." Brian realized that he was babbling. He was terrified of this seventeen year old kid and the sensations that were running through him! It must be the remnant of all the confusion tonight that made him feel like he was buzzing!
While Justin was in the bathroom, Brian sat down on the bed and checked his voicemail messages. Five from Ron. He was tapering off. One from his mother, checking up on him. One from Ben, just checking in. And one from the doctor, confirming dinner on Friday. Damn, I'm suddenly so popular! And after tonight at Babylon he felt SO popular! My God -- that backroom! Brian still couldn't get his head around what had happened in there. Or what it meant. And Mikey -- what was going on there?
Justin came out of the bathroom. He'd taken off all this clothes except his white cotton briefs. He walked over to Brian and put his arms around his neck, leaning over. "You aren't going to make me sleep in that other bed, are you?" he whispered to Brian.
"I...." Brian couldn't say any more because he was pressing his lips against Justin's cool, pale chest. Burying his face in Justin's smooth skin and wrapping his arms around his thin body, pulling him close. Justin was making little sighing sounds, as if he was swallowing something sweet out of the air.
Justin reached along his hips and started to push down his briefs to release his already straining cock.
"Wait," said Brian.
"No, don't stop now, Brian!" Justin breathed. "No! I want you inside me!"
Brian caught his hands. "I said wait. First things first." Brian tugged Justin down to sit beside him on the bed.
All Brian could think of at that moment was one time in New York. One of the first times 'Jack' had been sent out on an overnight job by himself.
It was to a large loft in Soho. The man had seemed old, but Brian thought now that he had probably only been in his late thirties. Nice, even attractive. And he treated 'Jack' well, considering. 'Jack' was still rather inexperienced and the man didn't purposely hurt him or make him do anything disgusting or humiliating the way some tricks did, and the boy was thankful for that. Even grateful. He began to think that the man liked him. Liked him a lot. He kept 'Jack' almost all night and fucked him a couple of times and the boy had enjoyed it, which was different.
He began to fantasize that the man might want him to stay with him. That he might even love him! He had those fantasies a lot. They were one of the only things keeping him sane while he was out turning tricks. The idea that someone would fall in love with him. Rescue him before it was too late. Maybe it would be this man.
And after the man had finished with him, having fucked and sucked and rimmed him again and again, the boy leaned up to kiss him -- something that they hadn't done yet. But the man pushed him away, saying, "I don't kiss whores." And he paid the boy and dismissed him, sending him out alone in New York City in the middle of the night. Brian had wept while walking through the snow the whole way back to the Bowery. Crying for the boy he had been -- and for what he had become.
"I said to wait," he said to Justin. "Because you said that you went out to Liberty Avenue to get laid. To find someone to fuck with. Well, I don't do that...."
"But...." Justin began to protest.
Brian held his chin in his hand. "I don't 'fuck' -- I make love. And that's what we are going to do. We are going to make love. That or nothing. And this is where it starts." And Justin's questioning smile and the soft groan that escaped from his lips served as Brian's answer.
And he began to kiss the boy. Slowly at first. So slowly, on the planes of his angular face, his throat, his shoulders. Then back up to capture his mouth. Justin opened his mouth and offered his tongue, tentatively, and Brian sucked it gently into his own. He felt the boy shudder.
Brian was excruciatingly aware that everything they were doing was a first for Justin. And he was determined that everything be right. Be the best he had to offer, whatever that might be. Because Brian had had too many experiences that verged on the nightmarish, too many 'firsts' that filled him with shame or revulsion whenever he thought of them. And this kid -- he wasn't going to suffer that same shame. Not if Brian had anything to do with it. He was going to have an experience that he could recall with pleasure and not fear. Something done with love and care. And yet something exciting and full of passion. Because Brian looked at Justin and knew that he deserved all that.
Brian moved Justin higher onto the bed, leaned him back against the pillows, and continued kissing him. The boy was still wearing his briefs and Brian was still fully clothed. Brian hadn't even touched his cock, but the boy was about to shoot already, just from the intensity of their kisses. Brian could feel Justin's body quivering, his hands and feet clenching. Brian eased the white briefs down and off, tossing them on the floor. Justin's cock was thick and pink and it was stretching itself up, as if trying to reach for his navel.
Brian seized the pink cock firmly with his long fingers and Justin gasped, but Brian never took his mouth away from his. They continued to kiss as Justin made more and more urgent moaning sounds, as Brian continued stroking Justin's cock, slowly, relentlessly. He didn't need to hurry this. They had all night long. And Brian was planning to make this boy come again and again and again, until they were both exhausted.
Continue on to "Nowhere Man -- Part 15.
©Gaedhal, November 2002
Posted November 10, 2002