This is Part 15.
Other recent stories in the "Queer Theories" series.
Go back to "Nowhere Man -- Part 14.
Features Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: Brian and Justin spend the night together in Brian's motel room. September 2000.
Disclaimer: This is for fun, not profit. Watch Queer As Folk on Showtime, buy the DVDs, videos, and CDs. Read the stories and enjoy.
Thursday, September 7, 2000:
Brian got out of bed and stripped off his Van Heusen shirt, tossing it on the floor. What the hell. He would normally have hung the thing up, but it was already wrinkled. Then he undid his Dockers, stepped out of them, and shook them out. They were stained around the crotch and on the leg. What a surprise. What he wasn't sure of was if the stains were his own, or from the men in the backroom. He tossed them on the floor on top of the shirt.
He went into the bathroom, pissed, and then looked at himself in the mirror while he washed his hands and face. It was almost as if Brian expected to see a different person staring back at him. Because the person who was standing in that motel room certainly didn't feel like the same person who left there earlier in the evening. He looked the same, was wearing the same clothes -- or had been -- and seemed to answer to the same name. But suddenly everything had changed.
Brian felt all turned around. He'd gone from someone who was a 'good boy' -- who had been faithful for seven years! -- a loyal partner and a supposedly 'moral' example to fags everywhere, to a guy who let himself get sucked off in loud, trashy clubs and who picked up teenage virgins on the street and took them back to motels! My, my -- if Ron could only see him now!
Brian remembered saying something to his partner about wanting to wave his dick around in front of a bunch of queers to see how popular he'd be. Well, shit! THAT had certainly turned out to be a good idea, didn't it? But Brian had been right -- he WAS popular. He WAS desirable -- still. Even at twenty-nine. He looked at himself again in the mirror.
He had been feeling old lately. Old and past his prime -- at twenty-nine! Probably because of all of Ron's comments about his age. About how some of the things Brian did weren't 'cute' anymore. Well, Ron was right about THAT! He certainly wasn't sixteen anymore, but it seemed to Brian that he had grown into his looks and his height. And his body was more developed than when he was a teenager. And there was nothing wrong with that. He was a man -- at least he was supposed to be a man.
And he could have had his pick of ANY guy in that place tonight! Really. Two guys -- Michael and that Fritz, the crewcut blond -- had almost gotten into a fight over him! The knowledge of this was amazing to Brian. It felt like power. But it also frightened him. Because he didn't have any interest in any of the guys he'd seen at Babylon. His body had certainly responded to the movement of other bodies against it. And his body had also reacted to the drug -- the amyl nitrate that had been shoved under his nose. He'd come and then come again. He might have been able to go on all night if he'd wanted to. He could have been fucked or fucked any of a dozen guys in that backroom alone.
But Brian didn't mistake any of these things for true desire. His body had always been primed to fuck. Had been since he was sixteen. He could turn it on and turn it off almost at will -- a fact that Ron seemed to take for granted after twelve years. The mechanics of fucking had always been easy for Brian. But that had nothing to do with desire. Nothing at all.
Even doing it with Ron had little to do with desire and much more to do with habit and expectation. Brian knew Ron's habits down cold. He knew when Ron expected sex, what he wanted to do, and in what order. Ron very rarely varied the routine. And Brian invariably did what Ron wanted. Every time. But lately Brian felt like he was only going through the motions when Ron was fucking him. Maybe that was what Ron had been sensing for a long time. Maybe THAT was what caused him to look for something else, somewhere else. Someone else. Look for it in that guy in Boston. Or in Lowell. Or in whoever, whenever.
But... there was something else now. Some other feeling altogether. Which was one of the reasons he was hiding in the bathroom right now. Because that something else was asleep in his bed right now. And THAT feeling wasn't about reaction or automatic response. THAT had been something Brian hadn't felt in a long, long time. Real need. Real desire. Something he felt he was starving for. And now he was afraid to face it.
Not afraid to face Justin, exactly. No, but even as he'd been telling himself, logically, 'No -- don't do this because it's wrong!' -- he was also FEELING that it was right. That it was something he HAD to do or he'd never forgive himself. And not just for the kid -- but for himself. Not simply so he could rewrite his own history on the boy's eager body, but so that he could give himself another chance to feel alive.
Brian ran his hands through his hair, trying to smooth it down a little. It was too late for cold feet. He'd told the boy that they were going to make love -- but after the initial kissing and jerking off, Justin had sighed with contentment and dozed off. And Brian should probably leave him to sleep away the rest of the night. That wouldn't erase what had happened, but it might mitigate it a little.
So why did Brian have the overwhelming urge to go back out there and wake Justin up? Because Brian wanted him. And because they weren't finished yet. Not by a longshot.
Brian walked out of the bathroom and left the door ajar, so that the light over the sink would cast a glow on the rest of the room. He slipped off his briefs, which were also stained and even ripped in the front where one of the guys in the backroom had pulled the waistband to get at his cock. At this rate, he'd have to go shopping tomorrow! Actually, thought Brian, that wasn't such a bad idea. There was the matter of that black leather jacket....
He pulled back the covers on the bed. He'd covered up Justin before he went into the bathroom. It had been slightly stuffy in the darkened room and the air conditioning was on low, but he didn't want the kid to get a chill. He started to get in, quietly.
But Justin opened his eyes the moment the bed covers moved. Brian was leaning over the bed, looking down at him. Justin opened his eyes wide and stared at Brian in all his naked glory, back-lit by the light from the bathroom. And it was glorious, Justin thought. He looked so tall and golden, shining in the darkness. Justin had never seen a naked man this close before. A real man. Sure, he'd seen other guys at school in the shower and the locker room. But they were just kids. Brian was a man! A beautiful man.
"Oh my God!" breathed Justin. "You look gorgeous!"
Brian blushed to hear that word. He thought of Emmett -- but how different was the same word in Justin's mouth. Brian was a little embarrassed to be appraised so frankly by someone who so openly and innocently desired him. Which was apparent in the lustful look in the boy's eyes, as well as the growing firmness of his pink young cock. It was one thing to be checked out at Babylon, Brian thought, by a jaded, surging masses. But it was a completely different thing to be admired by this beautiful boy.
Brian's own cock was responding to the scrutiny. Brian, still blushing, got into bed next to him. Justin smiled and moved over closer, putting his arms around Brian.
"I'm thirsty," the boy said, burying his face against Brian's chest.
"I don't think the bar is open right now. You want some water? I don't have any ice. And I don't think they do room service."
"Maybe there's a soft drink machine somewhere? This IS a motel after all!"
"We could go out exploring," whispered Brian.
"Or..." said the boy. "I could see what we have right here." And he began to nuzzle his way under the covers, down Brian's chest, past his navel, and....
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"
"I thought that... it's MY turn to explore -- like you said. So I'm exploring YOU!" Justin pushed the covers back and moved down until he was facing Brian's cock. He stared at it, as if uncertain how to proceed.
"Well?" Brian cocked his eyebrow.
"Wow! It's pretty amazing. And it's... I guess it's kind of big. I didn't think it was going to be so big."
"You want to go back to Liberty Avenue and try again for something smaller?"
"NO! I didn't mean that! I just... I'm not sure...." Justin reached out and stroked it, tentatively.
Brian inhaled sharply. Justin touching his cock had sent a jolt of electricity through Brian's body. All this attention was getting him very hard very quickly. He'd let Justin come before while ignoring his own erection, but his dick was definitely making itself known now.
"When I came out here I wasn't going to wake you up because I thought you were asleep."
"I was just resting while I waited for you to come back from the bathroom. But I'm not sure what to do next." Justin examined Brian's cock, like it was some exotic species that he'd just discovered, looking at it from all angles. Feeling it from the tip to the root, then gently slipping his fingers under his balls to see what was there.
"Oh, you're not sure, huh? I wasn't aware that you were in charge here. Do you have an agenda all mapped out?" Brian didn't know whether to laugh or to lay back and close his eyes. Or maybe a little of both.
"Not really -- but I do know a FEW things. I mean, I've seen some pictures, and I've read some stuff, and I know that I definitely want to put that in my mouth. Well, at least as much as will fit! I wanted to before, but I was kind of busy. With the kissing and everything."
"But that stuff was that okay with you?"
"Oh, it was great! The kissing was amazing! I've kissed a girl before -- my best friend, Daphne -- but it was nothing like this! But I know that kissing isn't all. I know that's just the start." Justin laid his head on Brian's stomach and stared from that angle. This kid would make a good scientist. It was like he was studying it or memorizing the thing to keep the image of Brian with him forever. And that's when Brian realized that, in looking at the boy, he was doing the same with him.
"I thought you might be too tired for any more tonight."
"Oh, no -- I'm wide awake! And I want to do everything tonight! With you."
"I can see that." Brian sat up. "Everything, huh?"
Justin nodded. He didn't hesitate for even a second.
"Lie back." He detached Justin's hand from his cock and pushed the boy onto his back.
"No! I want to do that!"
"Remember what I said -- first things first?" Brian climbed over on top of him and leaned down, kissing him again. Justin reached up to pull him down, but Brian stopped him. "Just lie back, like I say. Put your arms at your sides and close your eyes. Don't look. Don't watch me at all. Just feel what's happening. Feeling is more important than seeing."
And Brian started at the top of the boy's body, kissing the middle of his forehead, then each closed eyelid, then his mouth, then across the neck, and then all the way down, slowly, kissing every pressure point, every pulse. Down each arm, inside the elbow, the wrist, the palm of the hand. Then back down the chest, pausing at each pink nipple, which rose expectantly as he touched them with his tongue. Justin lifted his head, inhaling deeply.
"Put your head down and close your eyes. Or I'll have to blindfold you."
The boy's eyes flew open. "You WOULD?" He seemed excited by the idea.
"Maybe next time," said Brian without even thinking. Next time.
He went back to his journey down the boy's body. It was so pale and soft and smooth, although his arms and legs were covered with a golden fuzz that felt like a kitten's belly. He moved down the legs, nuzzling and lightly scratching them with his nails, while Justin shuddered. By that time his pink cock was hard again. It was surprisingly thick for such a slender boy. But Brian noted his sturdy legs and broad feet. Maybe not so surprising.
Brian wondered just how many times a seventeen year old kid could come in one night. He tried to remember his own record. But maybe that didn't count. Did it matter whether it was business -- or pleasure? Brian guessed that his cock didn't know the difference. And didn't care. And this boy's cock would only know it for pleasure. So, push it to the edge -- or hold back? See how much we can get out of each moment. Out of each sensation. To control every action to make it last. Yes, a seventeen year old can shoot off his dick until he passed out, but learning how to do it right -- that took real care. Justin would have plenty of times in his life from now on to try out the equipment. But now was the time for concentration.
Brian purposely avoided that pink cock. He could see Justin attempting to lift his head and look. "Be still!" Brian said.
Justin put his head back down. "But I want you to touch my dick! I'm going nuts!"
"You have to learn to be patient. You want to be one of those guys who shoots in two seconds and goes on his merry way? What's the point of that?"
"I guess not. But it feels like... I don't know! Like I could go on like this forever with you touching me and kissing me all over. But I also know that if I don't come right now, I'm going to DIE!"
Brian smiled. Justin was just like the Elizabethan poets -- 'I DIE!' they wrote. 'The little death.' And this was like poetry. Very much like poetry.
"Don't talk, Justin. And your dick is supposed to 'feel' -- YOU'RE just supposed to be feeling. And keep your eyes closed!"
Brian kissed up the legs -- slowly -- until he reached Justin's cock. He could feel the heat radiating off it and it was already as stiff as it had been before, straining up to touch the firm, pale belly. So Brian lightly kissed and licked around it. He almost wished that he had gone out and gotten that ice so that he could do the old ice cube trick -- some guy in a hotel room in Midtown had taught him that one and he'd used it a lot. You wait until the guy is really, really hot. Until his dick is ready to explode. Then you put the ice cube in your mouth and.... Well, maybe next time, Brian thought.
He mouthed the boy's balls and then slowly licked his way up the shaft. Justin trembled, but he didn't lift his head or open his eyes. Yet. "Shush. Stay still."
"And be quiet."
Brian wondered whether to add his commentary to the procedure. Because a lot of guys liked that. Liked you to describe what you were doing. In detail. Ron liked that. Of course, when Ron was doing things to Brian he never said anything. Maybe it never occurred to him to talk. Maybe he thought Brian wouldn't like it -- not that Brian's likes and dislikes were a big factor. And Brian never considered that he should let Ron know that he might like a little talk. Brian thought about a lot of things that he'd never let Ron know he wanted him to do. And, suddenly, it seemed too late.
Yes, Brian decided, a little commentary would be good. "I'm going to suck your cock now, okay? So I want you to pay attention to the feeling of what I'm doing, because there WILL be a test later."
"Of course, I'm a teacher and there's always a test."
"Are you really a teacher?" Justin lifted his head and looked at Brian.
"Yes. Now lie down and concentrate."
Brian licked around the head of the boy's cock first, but then took it all into his mouth at once. With Brian's experience at sucking cock, it was easy. It certainly wasn't huge for a kid of his age and slim build, although it was pretty thick and the firmness of his erection made the angle a little difficult. And Brian knew that this wasn't going to last very long. Justin had practically been ready to come just from Brian moving around his body.
But Brian held him off a bit. Backing off and squeezing his cock a little, then sucking it again. He reached under Justin's ass and wrapped his fingers around his cheeks, urging him a bit. The boy got the message immediately and began pushing his hips, moving his cock in and out of Brian's mouth. This kid is a natural, thought Brian, just like I was. He knows what to do almost instinctively. He just needed a little guidance.
Brian pulled his mouth off. "Justin."
"What?" The kid opened his eyes. His pale face was flushed bright red.
"Now you can watch."
And the boy smiled and watched intently as Brian finished him. And Brian never took his eyes away, either, but looked at his face as Justin's mouth fell open when he came, when Brian sucked up all of his juice. And then when he moved up to that mouth and kissed him, letting him taste himself in Brian's mouth. They both fell back on the pillows.
"I came again!" said Justin, laughing with delight. As if he couldn't believe that his dick really did that!
"Looks like it." Brian reached over and pulled some tissues from the box next to the bed. He wiped off Justin's cock, then his mouth, like a mother tidying up a baby. Then he started to wipe off his own.
"Let me," Justin said. And he licked around Brian's lips. They looked so red, almost like they were unreal, against his golden skin. And Justin could feel the stubble from his beard coming in. It felt deliciously scratchy. "You need to shave already."
"I know. It's my curse. But your face is nice and smooth." He took the boy's mouth to his again. Brian loved to kiss in almost any instance. Ron always said that his oral fixation was in overdrive most of the time. But he especially couldn't keep his mouth off this face, this body. Justin tasted like some kind of fruit. Yes, strawberries. Juicy and red strawberries.
Justin leaned on Brian's chest and gazed at his face. "Are you really a teacher? I mean -- of something other that THIS?"
Brian smiled. "Yes, I am. Believe it or not. A professor. Of literature."
Justin's interest was piqued. "At a university?"
"A university in Indiana."
"Literature is one of my best subjects," said Justin, eagerly. "How am I doing at THIS subject, Professor. I mean, for a beginner?"
"You're doing quite well. I would say you get an 'A' on your Midterm. But it's the Final Exam that really matters."
"So, when do I get to take my test?"
"Are you ready for that now? Have you been a good student?"
"I think so." And they both looked down at Brian's cock, which was more than ready. And Brian leaned back on the pillows while Justin moved down and played with his dick. Because Brian thought that Justin really wasn't up giving a full-fledged blow job -- at least not yet. But just watching Justin play with his cock, teasing it, licking it, trying to get around it, like a little dog worrying a big snake, was keeping Brian's interest up quite nicely.
And it gave him the opportunity to look at the boy's body. Especially his ass. Which was quite perfect. Brian had a nice ass himself. Ron always said so. Others had, too. It was nicely shaped and smooth and firm. But a little flat. An Irish ass that never quite filled out a pair of jeans. But this was one of those bubble butts you read about in porn. The real thing. And untouched completely. Brian wasn't certain that he was up to the challenge that bubble butt offered, but he was sure willing to give it a try. Later.
"Just take the tip -- don't worry about the whole thing." Brian suggested, when Justin seemed at a loss for where to focus his attention.
"Are you sure? I thought...?"
"Don't worry about it. Just concentrate on what you're doing now."
Justin took him into his mouth and grabbed the base of Brian's cock with his hand. Brian could feel himself getting ready to come. He'd held himself off before, which had been helped by having shot twice already in the backroom. But he was ready now. He moved his dick in and out of the boy's mouth gently, not shoving it or forcing it. He didn't want the kid to gag or -- God forbid -- bite down in a moment of panic.
Brian felt himself getting nearer and nearer. He leaned over and put his hand on top of Justin's and moved it up and down on his shaft until he felt himself starting to come. And he quickly pulled out of Justin's mouth and let it shoot on his stomach.
"Oh, my God! Brian! That was awesome!" Justin's enthusiasm was making him bounce up and down on the bed, rocking the two of them back and forth.
Brian held him still. Then he just held him. All wet and sticky. "Awesome," Brian agreed.
"I liked sucking you off as much as when you sucked me off! But I wanted to swallow it -- like you did!"
"It's probably safer that you didn't. I know you're okay -- but I don't want you to take a chance. It's better if you don't right now." And Brian wiped himself off with another handful of tissues.
Right now. He'd said it again. As if there would ever be another time after this. Ever be a 'later.' Because Brian knew that this was the only time they'd ever be together. Which is why he had wanted to make the most of it.
"Why don't you go to sleep right now? You have to be tired. I know I am."
"Maybe. What time is it?"
Brian looked over at the clockradio by the bed. "It's after 2 a.m. And you have school in a couple of hours. I didn't realize it was so late."
"But we haven't...."
"I know. Go to sleep."
Brian got up and turned off the light in the bathroom. The room suddenly seemed so still in the darkness. The hum of the air conditioning and a faint sound of traffic outside seemed to fill the empty space. Brian felt a little chill and quickly climbed back into the bed.
Justin's body felt so cool in the darkness. Brian was always so warm now. His body was naturally hot. And yet he remembered a time when he was always cold. His feet and hands especially. But his dick had always been hot. Always. Maybe that natural body heat had been what saved him, what helped him survive that winter in New York.
Justin flipped over and pushed against him, face to face, cocks touching and legs tangled together. His breath was sweet, his mouth tasted like toothpaste and come. The boy tried to snake his arm under Brian's body.
"Your hand will fall asleep like that, underneath me. I'm too heavy. Here -- turn over."
The boy turned his back to Brian, reluctantly. Brian placed him so that Brian's long cock was wedged against that round ass, and Justin wiggled his butt back up against Brian until they fit together like two halves of a greater whole. That felt like the best position. That way Brian could wrap his arm around him and hold him into place. Brian's arms wouldn't fall asleep like that.
And Brian could set his sharp chin on the boy's shoulder and lean his nose into his blond hair. Smell that hair. That neck. A beautiful new smell that Brian couldn't completely identify. A Justin smell. It had been a long time since Brian had indulged himself in such a sensation. In his pure senses. Without even trying to think. To figure anything out.
Like what was going to happen in the morning, when the two of them would have to leave this room and face reality.
Continue on to "Nowhere Man -- Part 16.
©Gaedhal, November 2002
Posted November 15, 2002