This is Part 16.
Other recent stories in the "Queer Theories" series.
Go back to "Nowhere Man -- Part 15.
Features Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor.
Rated R for language and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: Brian and Justin both want something more. September 2000.
Disclaimer: This is for fun, not profit. Watch Queer As Folk on Showtime, buy the DVDs, videos, and CDs. Read the stories and enjoy.
Thursday, September 7, 2000, continued:
Justin opened his eyes in the darkness. Usually he was a little afraid of the dark. Just a little. But he wasn't afraid now, even if he should have been. After all, he was seventeen years old, in a strange motel room in the middle of the night, naked, with a guy whose last name he didn't even know.
But he wasn't afraid. He wasn't afraid at all. In fact, he'd never been more unafraid. Or more sure that he was exactly where he wanted to be. Where he should be. Like he'd finally found the place where he belonged and everything that had come before was the part that had been in confusion.
Justin settled down a little deeper in the bed, pushing back to get even closer against Brian's body. When Brian felt him moving, he held him a little tighter in his sleep. But Justin didn't mind. That made him feel more secure.
He liked to be touched, to be held. But he didn't get a lot of affection at home. Not that his Mom and Dad didn't love him -- they did. Justin was certain of that. But his parents were typical WASPs, the boy thought, not very touchy-feely. They didn't kiss and hug a lot. Openly demonstrating their emotions was not easy for the Taylors.
Not like Daphne's family -- they touched and kissed each other a lot. Maybe black people were just more affectionate -- or less afraid of showing their feelings than Justin's own family. Justin liked to be hugged by Daphne's mom and her grandma -- they hugged with their whole bodies, like they really, really meant it. And Daphne's grandma kissed Justin firmly and directly on the mouth and always said to him, 'How is that beautiful boy?' It embarrassed Justin -- but he liked it, too. He liked her openness and lack of fear in showing how she felt about someone.
Justin's grandmother, on the other hand, always just kissed him lightly on the cheek and that was it. Of course she also smelled like alcohol, too, which put Justin off a bit. But he would have loved his parents to touch him more, especially his father. They hugged and kissed Molly much more, probably because she was a girl, but Justin thought that was unfair. He was starving for affection. Starving for someone to hold him. To love him. And now he'd gotten his wish.
But the night was passing quickly. Justin could see the numbers on the clockradio next to the bed glowing. It was after 4 a.m. It would be morning pretty soon and he was still a virgin -- technically. He was sleepy, yes, but not THAT sleepy. And he was determined that he was NOT going to leave this room with his virginity still intact!
Justin moved around a little more, hoping Brian would wake up, but he seemed to be sleeping pretty soundly. Brian made a funny little noise through his nose, like a slight whistle that wasn't exactly a snore, but something else. Then he made a little sighing sound. It sounded to Justin like a satisfied sound. And that made Justin happy. Happy -- but still not completely satisfied himself.
The boy pushed his ass up against Brian's cock. It felt like it was hard again. Maybe Brian was dreaming about the two of them and getting excited. Or maybe the cock had a mind of its own and was just awake and delighted to be wedged up against a young, full, virgin ass. Justin was certainly delighted to have it there. He wiggled his rear around a bit, wedging it against Brian's cock even more. The cock twitched and moved closer. But Brian still hadn't stirred. He slept on peacefully, making that little contented noise.
Justin thought maybe he'd have to take things into his own hands. If he could only get the right angle, maybe he could slide it right in there. Maybe he could. That's what he wanted. His asshole was twitching in anticipation. He'd been playing with himself in his bed at night -- experimenting a little -- for a while now. Just sticking a finger, or maybe two, in there and feeling around. It was a little difficult and he wasn't able to reach far in, but he liked doing it. It felt good. Really good.
He pretended that it was a cock sometimes. He fantasized about different cocks on different guys, mostly ones he'd seen in gym class or in magazines. He'd bought a copy of 'Playgirl' magazine and looked at the dicks on the models and he'd used that magazine to jerk off with for a long time. But he also used to imagine what those dicks might feel like inside him. He knew that was weird and he wondered if any other guys had that feeling. They must, because that's what fags did, didn't they? That's what the guys said. Fudgepackers. But saying it and thinking about were two different things. And thinking about it and doing it was a whole other world.
And now the thought that he was so close to having a real cock up there -- and such an amazing cock! -- was making him a little crazy. He thought that if he couldn't have Brian's cock inside him, he might die. Literally die!
He reached behind him and took hold of Brian's long cock. It quivered in his hand -- but the man still didn't wake up. So Justin guided it, slowly and carefully, along the crack of his ass right to the entrance. He sort of poked it against his hole, but nothing much happened. Justin wet his fingers with his tongue and then rubbed the saliva around the head of Brian's cock. He felt a little bit of juice dribbling from the tip, as well, so he slicked it up pretty well and tried again. He felt his tight little hole open up just a bit. A little bit. He pushed the cock against it a little harder, wedging the tip inside.
Meanwhile, Brian was having a pleasant dream. He was on top of a creamy, delicious body. He was fucking instead of being fucked and that was different. But good. Very good. He felt like he'd finally found out just what his cock was for after all these years. And his cock was grateful. And happy.
And his partner in the dream was a blond boy who he couldn't place at all -- and yet whom he seemed to know perfectly. Seemed to have always known him, in countless other lives and existences. But that's what dreams are like. Confused like that. And confusing.
Brian was wrapped in a sensation of movement. And tightness. He was used to that feeling in his ass, but this tightness was centered on his dick. Like it was trapped in a velvet vice. But instead of wanting to escape, it wanted to go deeper. Deeper. Much deeper....
Brian opened his eyes. "What... what is happening?" He didn't know where he was for a moment. Or who he was with. And then he remembered. Justin. The blond boy. The creamy twink. His dream....
He looked down and saw that the boy's ass was up against his cock. Hell, it was rammed up against it. And his cock was pushing its way inside. He could feel the tension and the impossible tightness.
"For God's sake, Justin! Stop that! Now!"
"But, I want you to fuck me! And I thought that you wanted to!"
Brian seized his cock and pulled it away, rolling over onto his back.
"NO! Don't! I was just starting to get it in!" Justin cried in frustration.
"Without a condom? Without any lube?" Brian answered. "Are you trying to kill yourself?" He looked at the boy's frightened face and softened. He didn't want Justin to think he was angry. He wasn't. But he was concerned -- and afraid for the kid. "You shouldn't do it like that," he continued, gently.
"But I thought that was how..." Justin looked down. "I wasn't thinking. I... woke up and it just felt like the right thing to do."
"You weren't thinking," said Brian. "But you always have to think, Justin! Always. This was a bad idea."
Justin eyes fluttered. "No, it wasn't a bad idea! I... just didn't do it right. I should have waited until you could teach me." He sounded contrite, but hardly put off.
Brian couldn't help but smile, looking at his face, which was picking up the faint glow from the motel room window. "I was sound asleep."
"I know. But you're awake now," Justin said, brightly.
"Jeez! Haven't you gotten enough?"
The kid smiled. "There's no such thing as enough of a good thing! Is there?"
"I guess not."
"And you said that we'd come and come all night. But I still have something left in ME -- and I know that you have plenty left in you, so...." Justin reached over and put his hand on Brian's dick. "Plus, there's still unfinished business. I mean -- if you want to."
Brian laughed in spite of himself. Because he was still concerned -- a little. What Justin had been doing was foolish. Dangerous. But he really didn't know better, and, luckily, he hadn't gotten very far. No, it would take a lot more than a little spit and a few pushes to get Brian's cock all the way up THAT tight butt! And Brian would have to teach him how to do it right. Without hurting him or forcing the issue. Teach him how to make love correctly. And that made Brian happy to think of it.
"Of course I want to," Brian said, taking him into his arms and kissing him. "What do you think I was dreaming about just now? Why do you think I was so hard?"
The boy's blue eyes were huge. "Really? About me?"
"Nobody else. Nobody else at all." And it was true. "So come on." He got up, grabbed Justin's hand and pulled him off the bed.
"Where are we going?"
In answer, Brian marched him into the bathroom and switched on the light. Then he turned the shower on very low and let the water heat up. While they were waiting they stood and looked at each other. And both were pleased with what they saw.
"You look good naked," said Brian. "I'm sure no other guy has ever told you that."
The kid laughed. "I don't think so! But I'm glad you said it. I'm glad you like the way I look."
"Of course I like it!" Brian said, appreciatively. "Let's see what we have here. Turn around."
Justin turned himself. It was odd to be standing there naked -- and yet he felt so unself-conscious. He liked the feel of turning himself around under Brian's scrutiny. Like Brian was appraising what he had, deciding whether or not to keep it. To own it.
"Nice rear end. Bubble butt. Do you know what that is?" said Brian.
"No, not really." And Justin craned his neck to examine his backside.
Brian ran his long fingers down the slope of Justin's ass. "This is a bubble butt. Round and firm and sticking out just enough to make its presence unmistakable." Brian squeezed his pale cheek. "Juicy like a ripe peach."
"Sounds like I'm edible!"
"Oh, you are. Want to find out?"
"Sure!" Justin wanted to find out everything!
Brian smirked at his eagerness. "We'll get to it. Don't worry." Brian reached down and cupped Justin's pink dick and his tight balls in his hand. "And then there's THIS. Very nice. I think I've already had a taste of those. I told you that you were completely edible! And sweet and succulent."
"I've seen guys in my school and they have bigger dicks."
"It isn't the size that's so important -- it's what you do with it. And there's nothing the matter with the size of your cock. It's nice and thick and firm -- and you get a lovely hard and high erection. What more could anyone ask for? In fact, it's quite beautiful."
"Oh, you're just building up my ego," Justin said, suddenly feeling shy.
"I believe that it never hurts to tell someone the truth. And I'm certain your ego doesn't need any building up. You must know how beautiful you are."
Justin stared at Brian, astonished. "You... you think I'm beautiful?"
"Of course. But isn't that obvious? You must have been told that many times."
He shook his head. "No. Not really. Not by anyone who mattered." Justin looked down, thinking of Daphne's grandma telling him so. But she wasn't part of his own family. "My mother doesn't count, I guess. Besides, she'd never say that I was beautiful -- not like that. And when YOU say it -- it means something more. Especially when you're so... beautiful yourself. You're amazing. Your body is... perfect."
Now Brian really laughed. "I don't think so. But it's nice that you think so. But no one has called me beautiful in a long, long time. I'm too old."
"No you aren't! How old are you?"
"Twenty-nine," said Brian, a little wistfully. "See? I'm ancient!"
"I don't think that's old at all. I think that's perfect -- because it's what you are." And Justin wrapped his arms around the man, trying to keep him. To keep this moment forever. Because it felt like it was slipping away. So quickly.
And Brian held him, too. Hugged him back. And thought how Ron used to say that he was beautiful all the time, although Brian couldn't remember the last time he'd said it. But that guy -- Fritz -- he'd said it last night at Babylon. And Emmett, too. Maybe there WAS something to it. Something that Brian was too scared to see. Too inhibited to think about too much.
"I think we better get in the shower now."
"But it's still dark outside! It's too early to get dressed!"
"We aren't getting dressed. We're getting into the shower."
Brian tested the water and then pulled Justin in with him. It was a bathtub with a showerhead and it wasn't very spacious in there. And the shower curtain kept flapping, spilling water all over the floor. But he soaped and sudsed up the boy's body, while Justin soaped his. He especially concentrated on that bubble butt. It felt nice and slippery. Which was what Brian wanted. He kept soaping and rubbing Justin all over.
The boy began to slide a little in the slick tub. Brian held him steady against his slim, but solid body. "Lean against me. Close your eyes and pretend that you're all liquid and that you're going to melt and run down the drain."
Justin giggled at the thought, but he let his body fall against Brian's lightly. Let himself hang all loose and wet, with the warm water cascading down their bodies. And he felt Brian's soapy fingers massaging his ass languidly, and then his crack, and then around his tight little hole. Felt his long fingers circle his pucker slowly, excruciatingly. And then, finally, probing it gently. Justin gasped a little when he felt that.
"Is that all right? Does it hurt?"
"No! Don't stop!" Justin breathed. He clutched Brian convulsively.
"I wasn't planning to stop," whispered Brian, smiling. Brian soaped up his fingers a bit more and put one, then two inside, ever so slowly. Justin pushed his ass back against them. "Just relax. You're melting, remember?"
"I'm going to melt into nothing if you don't put your dick inside me -- soon!"
Brian smacked Justin's bottom playfully. "Be patient. We're just beginning this."
And Brian worked his fingers around, pressing down, opening up the hole a little bit, then a little more. Justin gasped again and grabbed on to Brian even more tightly, so he wouldn't collapse.
After Brian was satisfied that he'd loosened Justin up enough to make a start, he reached behind him and turned off the shower. Then he half carried, half guided the boy out of the tub, Justin clinging to him and smiling blissfully. Brian set him on the mat. Then Brian pulled a clean towel off the rack and dried Justin off carefully and thoroughly, using the slight roughness of the towel to stimulate the boy's already growing cock. Brian dried himself with the same towel, rubbing his own cock. Then he literally picked the boy up and carried him to the bed, laying him down on his stomach.
Justin gathered the pillow under his chin and sighed, shutting his eyes. "That was great!"
"I haven't even DONE anything to you yet!"
"Well, I don't care. It was great. I've never felt so relaxed in my life!" Justin opened his eyes again and looked at Brian. "The way you... you touched me THERE. No one would EVER do that... I mean, to another person. Would they? To me! Touching me... like that! It was... I just can't believe you did that! I thought you were just going to stick your dick up there and come. Isn't that what... queers do?"
Brian stretched himself out next to the boy and stroked his face gently. "Right. Just jam it in and go on my way? I guess some guys do that. Why they would bother, I don't know. But that's not how I operate."
"You don't?" The boy's eyes were deep as night in the darkness.
"No," whispered Brian. "Besides, I haven't finished with the preliminaries yet."
"No. Ever hear of rimming?"
Justin hesitated. "I think so," he said, fearlessly.
"Do you like it?" Brian said. "Would you like me to do it to you?"
"Sure!" Justin replied, having no idea what it was, but anxious for Brian to do it to him, regardless.
Brian laughed. He couldn't get over it. This kid! He couldn't remember laughing like this in bed since... well, since he'd been a kid himself! It felt good. Right, somehow.
Brian climbed on top of the boy, hovering over him like a big cat standing over his prey. Then he eased himself down on Justin's back, covering him, holding his body so he wouldn't be too heavy on the boy. "Close your eyes again and just feel the sensation."
And Brian began by turning the boy's head around to him and kissing his mouth. Then kissing the side of his neck. Then burying his face in his clean, damp hair, just to memorize the scent of it. Brian continued down the boy's slender, pale back, kissing and licking all the way down, following the ridge of his spine. Justin's skin was moist and smooth, almost poreless, with a golden down on his arms and legs and around his pink cock. And a tiny drift of fuzz on his pale, round rear. And around his pink asshole, which Brian tongued and probed and devoured, while Justin squirmed and gulped and made little incoherent sounds.
"Oh my God! What are you DOING to me?"
"I'm rimming you. You said you liked it." Brian didn't want to talk much when he had other things to do with his mouth.
"Oh... God. Oh -- GOD! Don't stop!"
Sure, thought Brian. Like I was planning to stop! And he continued, remorselessly, while Justin rocked and gripped the pillow. And while his tight little hole opened up, as if calling out to be filled. And Brian brought his fingers up again and wet them and probed a little more with one, then both. Until Justin seemed to be ready for the next step.
Now here was the thing. The important thing. Brian had to fucking do this thing right. For Justin. And for himself. Brian wasn't the biggest expert on fucking someone -- that wasn't his usual 'role.' Brian hated that idea of his 'role.' He had the desire to use his cock all the time, just not the opportunity. Sometimes he was almost overwhelmed by that desire. And occasionally Ron would 'indulge' him. But not without complaining to the point where it almost wasn't worth asking. Brian was too big! He didn't know what he was doing! Can't he just jack off and get it over with? No wonder Brian was embarrassed by his own cock. When he was hustling it had been a selling point -- guys were fascinated by the skinny kid with the big dick. And they liked playing with it, sucking it. But most johns wanted to fuck -- that's why they bought a kid in the first place. Brian's cock may have been a novelty, but his ass was the really valuable commodity.
And Brian still winced at the thought of his own first fuck. At the hands of a guy who'd paid good money for the privilege. Who hadn't been too interested in Brian's feelings or his comfort. Who had, in fact, enjoyed hurting him. Gotten off on the 'fantasy' of raping a young boy.
Except it wasn't a fantasy for Brian. It was a reality. And a memory that still made him grit his teeth. The memory of the pain and the blood. And how Stan had laughed when he complained to him. Laughed and then taken his own shot, with even less care and preparation than the first guy. And then invited one of his creepy friends to do the same. Only the fact that Brian was almost completely numb with drugs and shock stopped him from killing himself right then and there in complete despair. But, later, their laughter at his pain was what made him want to live. To survive, in spite of them all. And he did. He had.
And that's why Brian wanted THIS to be special. Special for this boy. And special for himself, too. Yes, he could have stuck it up there in the shower. Spent himself in this kid without a thought and then gone on his way in the morning. He COULD have, but he didn't do that. Wouldn't do that. Not and retain his own sanity. This had to be done right the first time. Right -- every time.
Brian disentangled his limbs from Justin's and kissed him gently. The boy didn't hesitate to taste himself on Brian's mouth -- not at all. This boy wanted everything -- and loved everything, much to Brian's amazement. Whatever he was ready to do to him, this boy was ready for. Avid to do. And that made Brian avid to do everything, too.
"I'll be right back. Relax, but don't fall asleep!"
"I won't! I might miss something!"
"Don't worry, you won't miss a thing!"
Brian went back into the bathroom and rooted around in his kit. Retrieved a tube of lubricant and tore off four of the condoms from the strip he'd almost unconsciously tossed in there before he left home.
And he looked at himself in the mirror again. Thinking. Always fucking thinking! Thinking about what he was going to do in that room. In that bed. To that boy. And how he couldn't do anything else. Like it was inevitable, for him, for Justin. That much Brian was certain of.
Then Brian turned on the faucet and put a little soap on his hand and worked it around his ring, tugging at it. It hadn't been off his finger in the five years since the ceremony on Long Island and the ring clung tightly, like it didn't want to budge. Didn't quite want to give up yet. Brian pulled harder and it slipped off into his hand.
He looked at the ring for a long while. He didn't look at the inscription on the inside of the platinum band. He didn't have to look. He knew it by heart. 'R + B = Besheret.' Fated to be together. That's what it meant. And he'd believed it at the time. Believed it with all his heart. And thought that he'd believe it forever. Because it WAS 'forever.' Or was supposed to be 'forever' -- for both Brian and Ron.
But Brian didn't believe it now. Did NOT believe it at all. Couldn't anymore. Because he saw a different Fate now. Something else. Someone else. An emotion so strong that he couldn't deny it. Maybe it was simply an illusion brought on by lust that would fade away in the morning. Maybe in the light of day and reality it would seem to be a thing that was of the moment. A brief passion that Brian could walk away from without a single regret. But Brian didn't think so.
He held the diamond ring in the palm of his hand for a long while, gripping it. This was his whole life in his hand. His partner, his career, his home -- everything that meant anything to him. Everything he'd worked for. Everything that Ron had taught him to believe and understand. All right here.
Then Brian dropped the damp ring into his kit and dried his hands. He picked up the tube of lube and the condoms and smiled, ready to meet his new 'Fate.' Because he was going to go out there to that bed and continue to eat that kid's ass until he begged for mercy again. Rim him some more until he was hot and wet and wide open. And Justin was almost there. Almost exactly where Brian wanted him.
Because then Brian was going to ease all eight -- no, NINE! -- inches of his magnificent cock up there, inch by incredible inch. And then he was going to fuck him in every position he could think of -- and Brian could think of a number of interesting ones. He thought he'd start Justin out on his back, with his golden legs in the air, so that Brian could watch his face while he pushed into his ass. Until he was all the way in, up to Brian's balls. So Brian could lean down and kiss him the whole time. Listen to what he said. How he begged. How he breathed. And then to be able to kiss him again.
And then Brian was going to eat him again. For breakfast. And then fuck him again, from behind this time, on his hands and knees. Then with Justin sitting on Brian's cock, held onto his lap so that Brian could roam his hands around the boy's chest, nibbling his pink nipples, squeezing his slim waist. Then from the side. Or upside down. Or swinging from the overhead light fixture! Now Brian was feeling silly. Almost drunk. Drunk on the sensation of this kid. And he'd let himself drink this deeply in a way that had been denied him for so long.
And Brian was going to love it. Justin was going to love it, too. Brian would make it something Justin would never forget. Ever. And something that Brian would always recollect with happiness. The time he'd met that boy under the streetlight and taken his virginity. Maybe it would be a memory that would sustain him in the future, especially if things got bad.
Brian could only hope that he would do everything right. It wasn't something he had a lot of experience in. Not at all. But he knew what everything felt like when it was right. And how it was done. And he knew that it was more than just -- what did Justin say? -- sticking his dick up there and coming. Maybe that WAS it for a lot of guys. But that wasn't good enough for Brian. And it certainly wasn't good enough for Justin. Who deserved only the best. And that's all Brian would give him -- his best.
Brian snapped off the bathroom light. He was going to turn on the light next to the bed and illuminate the room. Because he wanted to see what he was doing and he wanted Justin to see everything, too. So they both would remember every detail. Brian was going to show Justin how to take it like a man. And, in the process, Brian went out into the motel room to become a man himself. And more.
Continue on to "Nowhere Man -- Part 17.
©Gaedhal, November 2002
Posted November 15, 2002