"A Queer As Folk USA FanFic"

by Gaedhal

This is Chapter 54 in the "Queer Theories" series.

Go back to "Stable Venture", the previous chapter.

Featuring Brian Kinney, Lindsay Peterson, Ron Rosenblum, and Justin Taylor.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: Brian has one very, very busy night. Los Angeles, June 2002.
Disclaimer: This is for fun, not profit. Watch Queer As Folk on Showtime, buy the DVDs, videos, and CDs. Read the stories and enjoy.

"Jesus Christ! That was harder than digging a fucking ditch!"

"I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm not a machine, you know."

"That's for damn certain. You know, I have a lot more respect for Melanie now. She either has a shitload of patience, or... well, let that go. The image makes me feel a little sick to my stomach."

"Thanks a bunch."

"Not you, personally, Lindz. Just the whole... thing."

"Well, I appreciate the effort -- as always."

"Don't mention it. By the way, how many more times do you think this will be necessary?"

"I have no idea. It's not something you can exactly predict."

"I mean, you will all be leaving on Sunday and then I'll be going away...."

"But you'll stop in Pittsburgh for a few days before, right?"

"Well -- yes."

"If I'm not certain by then, we can give it a few more goes."

"Jesus, Lindz! You said that back in May, too -- and here we are again!"

"Like I said, Bri -- I'm not a machine."

"I'm beginning to think that cup was a much better idea. I only had to do that ONCE!"

"But it's so expensive -- and this isn't THAT much of an inconvenience for you. I mean -- really."

"Are you really, truly certain you want TWO kids, Lindz? I mean, can you really handle two?"

"Of course. Mel and I will do just fine. Gus will be starting pre-school in no time and it will be the perfect spacing for siblings."

"Siblings. Shit!"

"Don't you want Gus to have a sibling, Bri? You don't want him to be lonely, do you?"

"Lonely? What guarantee is a brother or sister that a kid will always have a built-in buddy? Yeah, me and Claire -- tight until the end, right? And you and that bitchy sister of yours are really closely knit."

"But look at Debbie and Vic -- how they care for each other. That's what I imagine it could be like for Gus. Besides -- I really want a little girl."

"That's the real reason, isn't it? I fucked up the first time by giving you the little boy shit instead of the little girl shit. Well, guess what, Lindsay -- I don't DO girl shit -- so you should have known!"

"That's funny -- because you've been doing an awfully good impression of doing 'girl shit' from MY point of view."

"Believe me -- it only proves what a good actor I actually am. Ron should be filming THIS and putting it up for award consideration. I'd blow Jimmy away! So if you think I'm just going to keep doing and doing and doing this until you get a girl -- think again!"

"Aw -- I can see you with a little baby girl -- you'd be a big pile of mush!"

"Well, I don't want to be a big pile of mush. I'd rather be a big pile of mean and nasty."

"Keep telling yourself that, Bri. It's already been disproved time and time again."

"So, did you and Tess have fun raking me over the fucking coals all the way down to Palm Springs and back today?"

"Who said we raked you over the coals?"

"I did. What else do you two have in common besides me?"

"We had many, many things to discuss. Our children. Our backgrounds. Our careers. And Tess gave me some very good pointers on being a successful Hollywood Wife."

"Oh, is that so? Who out in Hollywood are you planning on marrying?"

"She thinks I should marry YOU, Bri."

"Wonderful. Remind me to tell Tess to mind her own fucking business. I already have enough to deal with, what with Ron on and on about this fucking wedding business. He picks up a fucking brochure in Maui for those queer wedding deals back in December and since then he won't let it go! And now it's you! Shit! I never had this come up before in my life. And then I get out here and suddenly I'm Scarlett fucking O'Hara -- everyone wants to marry me!"

"It's because you're such a good catch."

"If I'm a good catch, then it's a pretty polluted ocean and that's the God's truth!"

"Relax, Bri. I didn't say I agreed with Tess. It's just something we discussed."

"Did you happen to mention that you are already married -- to Melanie? In every sense of the word except the legal sense?"

"Yes, but Tess said that having the right wife is a very important career move in this town. Having the right image. The perfect family."

"Yeah, she's obsessed with all that 'perfect' shit. Except her own damn marriage isn't exactly perfect. Did she happen to mention THAT little fact to you, Lindz?"

"Well, she didn't go into it in detail...."

"I just bet she didn't."


"So -- How's your guest?"



"She's fine. I guess the trip was good. She enjoyed the drive out to Palm Springs and she met Tess's mother. I only wish I'd been there to hear what she and Tess had to say to each other. I think they're plotting something."

"It couldn't be anything too important."

"Don't discount those two. Tess has a way of getting information out of people -- and Lindsay isn't exactly close-mouthed."

"Think they are planning to blackmail you, Brian? About what?"

"Who the fuck knows? Some female shit. Some family shit. Stuff about the two of us -- me and her."

"Just tell Lindsay what the reality is, Brian. Don't let her start thinking there's something there when there isn't."

"But you don't understand. Lindsay has a way of getting what she wants. Sometimes I hardly know how she does it before it's already done!"

"And what is it she wants lately? What? Brian?"

"I think you know."


"Well -- what am I supposed to do?"

"How about -- I've done my part, now find another 'donor'?"

"Yeah, that's easy to SAY -- a lot harder to do, especially when she's drawing on years and years of knowing you -- knowing just what to say and just how to act. Knowing just where to get to you. That's NOT so easy to just blow off."

"She's only massaging your ego, Brian."

"No, it's more than that. Besides, I'm not simply a 'donor' when it comes to Gus. He's my son."

"You aren't exactly Father of the Year, Brian. You know that."

"I know. But I'm trying to do the right thing here. Whatever that is."

"By letting that woman bully you?"


"By letting Tess bully you, too?"

"No -- I owe her one. More than one. I owe Tess about a million returned favors. That's what is so depressing about it. At least she didn't cut me to pieces at the dinner party. She's too classy for that, I guess. I'm not used to people treating me with a little fucking respect!"

"I don't really think Tess has an axe to grind with you, Brian. It's Jimmy she's pissed at."

"I know. But I still feel -- responsible, in a way."

"Brian -- Jimmy orchestrated the whole thing. You know that. It's the kind of game he likes to play. It's his way of taking control of the situation. Only this time it backfired on him."

"I don't know...."

"It's true. Now that he and Tess are back together and he's getting ready for his next film, you'll be rid of him -- he'll barely give you the time of day."

"Except -- he's still your best friend and you'll always be in each other's pockets. This fucking horse thing is the perfect example!"

"Don't try to talk me out of it again! I've already heard your long list of reasons why it's a bad idea."

"It's not that I don't want you to do it...."


"It's just that you two should do it right. Don't get cheated or screwed over on a deal you know nothing about. Talk to some experts. Don't leave it to people like Freddy or Jerry Baxter to advise you. They're clueless."

"Jimmy thinks it would be fun to play owner. So what? He's got money to spare. It's only one animal. We aren't trying to win the Kentucky Derby!"

"Oh, no? Then you weren't listening to Jimmy bragging to Swayze down at the barn. Swayze was trying real hard NOT to laugh. He knows something about horses and he wasn't buying Jimmy's delusions of grandeur."

"Jimmy is a big dreamer. He never does anything small. Maybe that's why he's been such a success. He always thinks that EVERY project is THE project. Every part is THE part. Everything that he touches is 'blessed' in some way."

"That's his egomania showing!"

"Possibly -- But it's worked for him over the years. And it's carried ME through some tough, lousy times. Times when I was ready to give it up altogether. The fucking condescension from the studios. Begging for stinky jobs doing an episode of bad television here and a quickie stroke reel there. Shit, that was the real bottom. Almost as bad as after.... I should just shut the fuck up, as you say."

"Score another one for me."

"Brian, you were a kid. You were scared. I would have run, too."

"I'm always fucking running from something."

"You aren't running right now."


"Besides, I never gave up. And I stayed with it partly because of Jimmy. Because he wouldn't abandon me or 'The Olympian.' Anyone else would have. But not Jimmy."

"I'm sorry. I'm sure it must have been a shitty time for you. For a long time. Another thing that was basically my fault."

"Brian, why are you always looking to blame yourself for everything? There are things that happen that have nothing to do with you. Or things that you have no control over."

"Yeah, well...."

"Some things are just meant to happen -- other things aren't. There's nothing you can do to change that. And the past -- that's done. It's over. You definitely can't change THAT. You can only live with it and move on."

"Fate, again?"

"If you want to call it that. Everyone has to be what they're meant to be, do what they're meant to do. It's going against it that will fuck you up."

"Then I'm majorly fucked up!"

"Then don't fight it! Stop fighting it. Stop denying that EVERYTHING points to precisely what you should be doing. Where you should be. And that's HERE. It's so obvious!"


"Why are you so obstinate about it? THIS is your life, now. Don't let Lindsay -- or anyone ELSE -- drag you back into some mundane existence for their own selfish purposes! They are only using you, Brian! They don't love YOU! They need you as a symbol. As a whipping boy. As some kind of example of how NOT to behave. Aren't you always saying that? That to your family, to your so-called friends back in 'The Pitts,' you just can't win? Fuck that, Brian! Fuck it! That's not loving you! Taking care of YOU!"

"It's more than that. I need them. I need their support. Their approval...."

"Why? Why does it matter to you? You don't NEED their approval! You have the approval of much better people, more important people. Me, for instance. Or Jimmy. Didn't you see Patrick Swayze look at you this afternoon?"

"He wasn't fucking looking at me!"

"He was! Don't be embarrassed! He wouldn't be breathing if he wasn't looking at you and nothing else! My God!"

"That's such a load of crap! He's as straight as George fucking Bush!"

"Of course he is -- but just because he's straight doesn't mean he's also dense. Because he KNEW the minute he saw you and heard who you were! He's heard the buzz. He knows that you are -- what did he say? -- the 'new hot guy'! THAT was no bullshit. He knows because he's been there. Believe HIM, if you won't believe me, or Jimmy, or Howie at the studio, or Lew Blackmore. Don't look for the endorsement of people to whom you'll always be a fuck-up.

"I don't!"

"Yes! You DO! People who only want something from you. Want things that you can give them. Money that you might give them. Gifts. Even YOU, yourself. That's another thing they can TAKE and then they can go on their way after they've gotten what they want, leaving you behind."

"And WHO are you talking about? Specifically?

"No one -- specifically. But people. Like Lindsay. To her, you're only good for what she can get out of you. A trip to California. A cupful of sperm. Now, a quick fuck or two? Come on! Don't act like that's NOT why she came out here! Literally to suck the fucking life out of you!"

"You put it so nicely when we're talking about my kid here!"

"YOUR kid? Yours, Brian? When they want your money or another 'donation,' then it's 'your kid.' The rest of the time you can go to hell! Didn't you tell me how they -- especially her partner, that Melanie -- treat you like shit most of the time? Doesn't that tell you something?"

"Maybe they treat me like shit because I act like a shit so often."

"You're starting AGAIN! Stop! Stop it now! -- But... but don't stop THAT...."

"Oh, no? What about that? Or that?"

"Fuck -- NO!"

"You know -- Lindsay isn't exactly the most -- satisfying partner."

"Oh, no? She's a jerk, then.... If she doesn't know... can't...."

"Fuck! She'd never do THAT."

"Of course not. Women don't do that. They'd never even think of it."

"I guess not. Who was the last woman you fucked? Did you do Magda Dare?"

"Hell, no! She was old enough to be my mother! No, the last one was Jane."

"Really? Jane? In 1988? None since then?"


"That was a long time ago."


"I don't know. Since before that... Jane, huh? She was a real bitch. Maybe you only liked me because I wasn't a bitch like her."

"Are you joking? You're a MUCH bigger bitch than she ever was! Here... I'll prove it to you...."

"Ron... wait... I don't think that... Fuck! Fuck!"

"I'll prove it to you, Brian... right now... Right! NOW!"


"Will you be QUIET?"

"I'm trying -- I'm really trying."

"That doesn't sound like quiet. That sounds like the exact opposite of quiet!"

"I can't help it."

"You want me to get a pillow and put it over your head? Do you have any idea how sound carries in this canyon? Especially out here?"

"Not really. Wanna test the echo?"

"Right. Then every house up on that ridge will hear you and switch on all their lights."

"I'd like to see that. Make me howl like a dog, then. Right now!"

"A dog, huh? Like this? Or like THAT?"

"Ah! Ah... I thought you didn't WANT me to make noise?"

"Make noise QUIETLY, because if you can't be a LITTLE less noisy I'm going to have to drag you back into the poolhouse. At least there I can shut the door and close the sound in. Turn up the CD player. That should drown out some of your histrionics."

"MY histrionics? Brian! You are so loud sometimes that I used to tell the neighbors in the loft that WE had one of those 'big dogs' up there. A big dog that howled like shit all night! Like this...."

"I'm keeping my hand over your mouth until you stop that! Anyway, Justin, my neighbors know that I never had a dog."

"I know. But at least I was giving them something to -- to -- to talk about! Ah!"

"So, how did you explain where that 'big dog' went?"

"I said he went out to the country where he could howl all he wanted and not bother anyone."

"This is the country. See? Hm. Here. And here. You find leaves in the oddest places."

"This isn't the country -- it's the backyard. Stop that. Don't put that THERE!"

"Keep still. If you don't think we are in the country, just wait for the coyotes to come down here and take a bite out of your ass! And that would be quite a mouthful! Quite...."

"No! Wait! Yes...! Are there really wild animals around here, Brian? In the middle L.A.?"

"Until not that many years ago this was practically wilderness. Now, it's a suburb. But the coyotes haven't gotten the message. They've moved from feeding on rabbits to feeding on French Poodles."

"No way!"

"Yes, way! Why do you think Armani isn't allowed to roam around back here without someone watching him? He'd scarcely make a snack for a coyote. Or a cougar."

"Would they actually eat a little dog like that?"

"No -- they would eat him like THIS...!"

"Ah...! Oh! Briiiiaan, stop! Stop!! I thought you wanted me to be quiet? How can I be quiet?"

"I changed my mind. Let's see if we can get those houses at the top of the canyon to turn their lights on when they hear the noise. Start right now...."

"I'd rather we could get into the pool."

"Right. The same pool that every room in the house faces! We'd have a ready-made audience."

"Have you done it in the pool?"

"No! The pool? Why, it never occurred to me! Jesus, what a stupid question! Just because I can't swim very well doesn't mean I don't know how to keep my head above water -- or below water, if that's what it takes. In fact, that's probably WHY I can't swim very well."

"What do you mean?"

"Because I got kicked out of the YMCA. For using the pool in a -- well, an 'unauthorized' manner."

"Jeez -- that must be a first! The first queer ever to be booted FROM the YMCA!"

"Yeah, they ejected ME and kept the Village People."


"Shut the fuck up! I feel old enough as it is!"

"I'm only kidding you, Brian! I'm kidding. I know who the Village People are!"

"'In the Navy' -- that's one of their songs."


"So, that floating lounge chair is kind of like a boat. I could be the Captain -- but I'd need a First Mate...."


"CAPTAIN Kinney, to you."

"Captain, you just said that we could NOT go into the pool because all the rooms face it. What about Lindsay? What about RON? He'll hear us!"

"I'm sure Ron and Lindsay are both asleep by now. They both had busy, busy days. Very busy. Now, don't YOU start yawning."

"Brian, I'm so tired right now. Can't we just stay right here? Maybe we could do the pool tomorrow? You can be a pirate and board my vessel. Or I can be a cabin boy. But it's nice and cool here."

"Feels good. Just watch out for the coyotes."

"See? More leaves. Here's one on you."

"Watch that! Okay, now you'll pay for that!"

"I'm so tired. I don't know how you keep going. Aren't YOU exhausted? Haven't you had enough for now?"

"You know there's no such thing as 'enough,' Justin. There CAN'T be such a thing as 'enough.' Is there ever enough for you? For what you want? What you'll take?"

"What does that mean? What are you talking about, Brian?"

"It's never fucking enough, is it? For everyone! But my compulsion is your gain, Justin. Your fucking gain! Right? RIGHT?"

"No! I don't know!"




"What do you mean, Brian? What do you want?"

"Everything. Fucking EVERYTHING!"

"Yes. If that's what you want me to want. Yes."

Continue on to "Moviola -- Part 1", the next chapter.

©Gaedhal, July 2002

Send Gaedhal any comments, critiques, suggestions.

Updated July 19, 2002